


86400 seconds.

by De_drums



Category: Bangtan, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: AU, Angst, Depressed Kim Namjoon | Rap Monster, Disturbing Themes, General, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, OOC, References to Depression, Romance, Slice of Life, Suicide Attempt, others are briefly mentioned - Freeform, seems more angst than it really is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-12-19 03:38:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11889162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/De_drums/pseuds/De_drums
Summary: Namjoon is twenty two years old, his hair is dyed blue and he has no goals in his life. He left the school, he has few friends and he spends his days looking at the people in the subway while wallowing in self-pity.Seokjin is twenty four years old, he has a job that he likes, lots of friends and hobbies and way too much will to live.  He firmly believes that life should be fully lived, second after second, without letting go any occasion.They meet –or, more like, they collide - in the subway, while Seokjin is running to catch the train and Namjoon is leaving. The loss of a notebook by Seokjin will give them the chance to meet each other again and again, until they will establish a relationship that will go beyond the first impression they had of each other.





	86400 seconds.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm Italian and I decided to translate and post my fanfictions (mostly Namjin but I wrote a Jikook too, as well two sort of Sugamon/Namjin) here, especially Namjin's since there's a lack of centric ones. It'll take me a while and I apologize in advance for my mistakes, but I had to rewrite some sentences to give them sense and sometimes it was kinda hard, especially with verbs. I hope you enjoy them, though, if you want to leave a review and/or tell me what you think or what I did wrong, I accept any remarks! See you at the end for others notes :)
> 
> Original one [here](http://www.efpfanfic.net/viewstory.php?sid=3567033&i=1)

_“Imagine there is a bank account that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day, every evening the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course?_  
_Each of us has such a bank. It’s name is time._  
_Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds._  
_Every night it writes off as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to a good purpose._  
_It carries over no balance. It allows no over draft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day._  
_If you fail to use the day’s deposits, the loss is yours. There is no drawing against “tomorrow.”_  
_You must live in the present on today’s deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health,_  
_happiness and success!_  
_The clock is running! Make the most of today._  
_To realise the value of one year,  ask a student who failed a grade._  
_To realise the value of one month, ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby._  
_To realise the value of one week, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper._  
_To realise the value of one hour, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet._  
_To realise the value of one minute, ask a person who just missed a train._  
_To realise the value of one second, ask someone who just avoided an accident._  
_To realise the value of one millisecond, ask the person who won a silver medal at the Olympics._  
_Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with. And remember time waits for no one._  
_Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift._  
_That’s why it’s called the present.”_  
   
Namjoon huffs, closing the magazine with an abrupt gesture. Great, even a stupid magazine is reminding him that he’s wasting his life.  
Twenty two years old, hair dyed blue and no clue about his future.  
Blankness, black out, error.  
He has no goal – there’s nothing that interests him to the point to become a focal point of his existence, nothing that he is able or he wants to turn into a job.  
He has few hobbies, rapping and composing distract him from his thought but he doesn’t want them to become an obligation or they would lost their magic.  
He’s really smart but going to school had always been hard for him and this is why he abandoned everything. Not for the study itself, but for the people he has had to deal with during the years. However, he has no regrets – everyone keeps repeating him that he made the wrong choice, but Namjoon thinks that it is one of the best decisions he ever made.  
His friends have always been few, perhaps frightened by his feeling out of place in any situation and by the apathy that he occasionally catches him, making it almost impossible to have a real conversation with him. He knows somebody, mostly street artists, but no one he really feels close to.  
He is literally lost and he knows that spending the days staring into space and self-pitying cannot be defined as life. Those rare moments when he can do something constructive - or even just reaching the evening without the sense of uselessness and disgust have had the best of him - can be considered real goals.  
Namjoon would just want to feel alive again, even for a moment, and to know someone who makes him think that his days are not just a waste of seconds.  
   
On the other side of the city, Seokjin is reading that article too, but he’s smiling.  
He is smiling because that has always been his motto, enjoying every hour, every minute and every second of every single day, without thinking of what tomorrow will bring. He can be proud of himself because, till that day, he tried to live every moment and catch every single occasion and he can say he has succeed.  
He is only twenty four years old but he already has a job that he likes, lot of friends and one, big passion: music. Seokjin likes singing and dancing -although he sucks at the second one,  and he knows it-, sometimes he does little shows for his relatives and friends, but nothing too serious.  
He likes going to his favorite park and reading the books he loves – he is an eager reader since he was a little boy, and the park is one of his favorite places. The cheerful cheering of the people around him, the slight wind blowing in the trees, the swaying of the trains in the distant railway ... everything makes him relaxed and he feels at peace. He can set his thoughts aside enter someone else’s fantasy for a while, flipping the pages until he realizes the sun has gone down and he has to hurry if he wants to get home at a decent hour.  
Seokjin loves life in all its shades, but he has not yet experienced the one he thinks is the most important of all: love. Sure he loves his parents, he loves when his grandparents tell him stories about his childhood, he loves waking up in the morning and wondering which surprises he will got during the day, he loves nature and he even loves those bad days when everything seems to go in the wrong direction.  
But he feels he miss someone to share all of this, someone he can love in a new way, a person who can completely change his world and make it even more beautiful, unexpected and, at the same time, complete.
    
    
                                                                                    ~~    

Namjoon is sitting on a bench in the underground and he is lazily looking at the people passing by – he sees business men running frantically to catch the train, students with their backpack pushing each other to gain a seat on the car, elders that can’t even take a step and he doesn’t understand why they don’t stay at home, if they are that battered.  
No one notices him, after all he is just a guy with his earphones, the hoodie of his sweater on his head and a blank look. He goes there every afternoon –it probably is the only thing that never changes- and he just observe all those people with a busy life, goals they have to reach, and it seems like the time is never enough, judging by the hurry. He spends at least two or three hours there doing nothing – sometimes he brings his notebook and a pen with him, hoping to get the right inspiration for some lyrics, but he mostly stays sit with his legs crossed, watching and wondering why he can’t be like them.  
It’s not that he feels _that_ bad in the bubble he made for himself, he reached a certain balance and he probably wouldn’t be able to keep that rate – he just would know, sometimes, how it feels like being a _normal_ person, with plans and stuff to do. He sees himself running here and there following the crowd that fill the stations, the streets, the stores; he would like to try, ever for just one day, and see if he can make it.  
Only an hour passed by that time, but he’s already bored e he can’t take the fuss anymore – so he gets up and he heads towards the exist, his glance fixed on the floor and the music at full volume in his hears. He’s about to get on the stairs when he suddenly collides with a guy who has ridiculous pink hair. The guy, after staring at him for a moment, whispers some excuses and then he just runs away.  
Namjoon yell “hey, wait!” at him, he tries to stop him, but he can just look at him disappearing on the platform and get on the train, that leaves the station after a few seconds.  
He stays still, turning the notebook that fell from the other’s bag into his hands and wondering how the hell he will be able to return it to him, because he’s sure the guy is not a regular on that stop, he has never seen him before. He simply decides that he’ll get over it, it’s not his fault if that stranger doesn’t watch his steps,.  
Meanwhile, Seokjin is sitting on the train trying to catch his breath, when he suddenly realizes that the notebook is not with him anymore. He  rummages frenetically in his bag, in every pocket, while panic is taking over him – there’s all his life in that notebook and it bothers him thinking he lost it. He wonders where he could have left him, he’s pretty sure he hasn’t left him at home neither at work, it’s too important to being left unguarded.  
Then he remembers about the meet – or, more like, collision- with that stranger a few minutes ago; it surely felt in the impact and stayed on the floor, without anyone noticing about it, or that guy could have picked it up and kept it. He can’t decide which option is worse:  knowing that his beloved notebook is on the floor of the station, stepped on by unaware people, or that someone could read what is written in it.  
But maybe he still has chance, because he wrote his phone number on it, and maybe someone could be so nice to call him and tell him he found it. Maybe it might be that boy with strange blue hair and a bored look on his face – it was a matter of seconds, but Seokjin noticed him. There’s something strange and at the same time intriguing in him, like he is a book with a peculiar cover, a bit distressed by the years. He almost hopes that he was him who found it and that he will call him, sooner o later.  
He’s so deep in his thoughts that he almost forget to get off – that day is getting a strange turn, but Seokjin loves challenges.  
   
Namjoon looks thoughtful at his phone, fingers lingering on the keyboard. Should he call him or not?  
His curiosity took the best on him and he read that stranger’s notebook – he feels a bit intrusive but he couldn’t help it. He doesn’t regret it, anyway, because he found pages with stories, drafts and unfinished novels that kept him busy until that moment.  
The name and the numbers of “the guy in the underground”, as he renamed him, are written on the first page. He has to admit that he thought a little bit too much at him, during the day, but he got into a crisis thinking about the chance of see him again. He doesn’t know what to do –as if this is a new!- , because calling strangers gives him anxiety; especially cute strangers he only saw for five seconds and which he owns something of. The whole situation is so weird that he wonders how he got into it. But he then thinks that he could give it a try, worst case scenario is that _the guy in the underground_  - no, Seokjin, that’s his name- will hang up telling him he wants nothing to have to do with him.  
He takes a deep breath, he then dials the number and waits – he almost hopes that he wouldn’t pick up, that he’s busy or temporarily unreachable.  
“Hello?”  
_Fuck, fuck, fuck._  
“Uhm, hi?”  
Namjoon forces himself to reply to him, he’s making a fool of himself. “Seokjin?”  
“Yes?”  
“I am- uhm, I am the guy you collided with in the subway today. A notebook fell from your bag, I tried to tell you but you ran away”  
“Oh yeah, I remember you” and how he could not, there aren’t many people that will go around with that hair. “Thank you for picking it up, I was worried”  
“You’re welcome, really”  
Silence follows the last sentence – Seokjin is thinking that he has been very lucky, Namjoon is wondering what the hell he should say at that point.  
“So you want, I don’t know, come and retrieve it?”  
“Now?”  
“W-whenever you want, you don’t have to come now-“  
“Give me your address”  
Namjoon is going to have a panic attack: how could he invite him at his house? It wasn’t even a real invitation, fuck! But it seems that Seokjin really cares about that notebook, because he is willing to get across town at ten in the evening. He is still woozy when he tells him the street and his house number, and he is even more so when the guy hungs up saying an happy “see you later!”.  
Seokjin drives to the apartment, a little smile on his lips and lots of curiosity. He realizes that he basically invited himself to the other’s house, but he simply had to – aside of wanting his notebook back, he wants to found out more about that guy. He didn’t even tell him his name and this just makes all more mysterious.. He wonders what he does in his life: does he study? Has he a job? Which are his hobbies? Has he a girlfriend? Or maybe a boyfriend? Seokjin shakes his head, opening the car door; he checks himself in the window, takes a deep breath and knocks on the door.  
The blue haired guy makes his appearance, he seems a bit embarrassed and has his notebook in his hands. It seems like he doesn’t know to act and he is cute when he’s nervous, Seokjin thinks, refraining to say it out loud. The guys also seems to have no intention of making the first step and the oldest puffs, thinking about that article on the magazine and to the fact that he is definitely wasting precious seconds.  
“I don’t know your name” he says, trying to break the ice.  
“Oh, right – I’m Namjoon” he says with an half smile and Seokjin kind of lose himself a bit watching the adorable dimples on his cheeks. Namjoon seems to notice it because he blushes and looks down.  
“Listen, I don’t want to a bother so if you give me my notebook I’ll leave as soon as possible”  
Namjoon seems to pull himself back together and he holds his hand out to him.  
“See you then!” says Seokjin after a few seconds, feeling his uneasiness. He waves his hand and turns away, wondering in what kind of person he came across.  
“S-see you” Namjoon mutters, closing the door. He asks himself why it’s so hard having a normal conversation with someone. He would have like asking him to stay, talking a bit, maybe find out that they have something in common. But he couldn’t because, as always, he wasted an opportunity and all he can do now is counting the seconds that separate him from the beginning of a new day.  
   
 
    
    
                                                                                    ~~    

   
The third time they meet, Namjoon is still wasting his 86400 daily seconds and Seokjin has just found out a method to use them even more, taking cooking lessons.  
Namjoon is walking in the park with very little interest, - he went there just to change, the station started to bore him. He has nothing to do, as usual, and he can allow himself to laze as much as he wants. He found a bit isolated place, there are two shabby swings and a big willow tree which he can lay under.  
Looking at the sky and the clouds above him, he thinks that that tree kind of represents him, the canopy that go downward give the tree a melancholy and restless look. Namjoon feels that way, he is full of a sadness he can’t explain, he feels a burden on his chest and tears become rolling down his cheeks without him even noticing.  
Suddenly a sweet voice, that he remembers way too well, calls him. “Hey, are you okay?”  
Namjoon just can’t believe it because among all the people who could have pass there by chance, it happened to be him. Maybe it’s destiny or simply a persecution, but that pink haired guy is becoming a constant presence in his life. He realizes he didn’t reply to him and he whispers something, passing a hand on his cheeks to wipe them and making his bangs falling on his eyes. Seokjin sits down near him and he doesn’t say anything for a while, he simply stays there looking at what is happening around them. Then he turns and looks at him, as if he is trying to find the right words to ask him something.  
“I like your hair” he says instead. “I tried to dye mine that way once but it was a disaster”  
“Yours is pretty, too” Namjoon replies simply, it’s not like he’s going to compliment a random stranger.  
“Why were you crying?”  
“Are you always so direct?”  
“And are you always so defensive?”  
“Yes”  
“Why?”  
“Are you a psychologist or what?”  
Seokjin falls silent, realizing is being intrusive. “Forgive me, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. It’s just – that’s the way I am, you know? I don’t think twice before asking something and I try to get every chance I can”  
“Tell me, did you read that article about seconds and how it’s important to not waste them, by any chance? Because it seems you are following it to the letter”  
“I actually did” he admits in a surprised voice.  
“I had no doubt”  
“What do you think?”  
“About what?”  
“About the article”  
Namjoon huffs, rolling his eyes. “I don’t want to talk about it, okay?”  
“S-sure, sorry”, Seokjin passes his hand through his hair, a bit embarrassed – it’s okay wanting to know him, but he is scaring him and he seems creepy.  
“I read your notebook” confess Namjoon all of a sudden.  
“What?”  
“I know I shouldn’t have to, but I couldn’t help it”, he is a bit ashamed because he knows how annoying it is when someone reads something so private.  
“Yes, you shouldn’t have done it!”, Seokjin exclaims, getting to his feet. He is feeling vulnerable and exposed in front of a person he only met recently, of which he only knows the name, the address and the phone number. It’s actually a little more than “ _only_ ”, but it doesn’t matter now.  
 He can’t stand a stranger’s judgment, it would be humiliating hearing about how much his stories suck – because he knows he’s not as talented as his favorite writers and he can’t just stay there and waiting for the guy to laugh at him. So, for the second time, he runs away without looking back; for the second time, Namjoon yells at him to wait, to stop, but he just makes his way away from him. He hears him saying “what the fuck” and he feels a bit sorry, he feels bad for the way he treated him, but he just can’t.  
   
It’s six p.m when Seokjin receives a text and he is so surprised that he risks to drop his phone on the floor. Namjoon texted him – despite their embarrassing meeting, despite the words he said to him that afternoon, Namjoon texted him.  
Seokjin feels weird because he thought he would have never see him nor heard from him again –he wouldn’t have blame him if he decided to forget about him- and the thought was giving him a knot in his stomach. He doesn’t even know why, maybe it’s his bad habit of wanting to get to _really_ know people, even if it’s clear they don’t feel the same about it.  
There are few words in that text, a simple “ _why did you leave_ ” and nothing else.  
Seokjin doesn’t know how to reply, how he could explain? How can he tell him he was scared of what he could have been thinking about his stories? How can he talk about his insecurities when he barely knows him? So he answers the question with another question, hoping to change the subject.  
“ _Why were you crying?_ ” – Namjoon lets out an annoyed noise, that guy is exhausting.  
He isn’t going to tell him how bad his life is, he won’t open up to him as if he were one of his childhood friends or something like that. He can insist as much as he wants but not a word will come out from his mouth. He quickly types an answer and hopes Seokjin will understand and will let him rest, at least for the moment. Yet that sort of walking Big Babol must be stubborn as ever, because he texts him that he is not going to stop send him texts until he will tell him why he was crying.  
Namjoon is about to tell him to fuck off when another text arrives and leaves him totally taken aback and confused: Seokjin just invited himself at his house –again!-, saying that he will bring the dinner and he will spend the night with him until he will speak to him, no matter if he will stay locked out of the door waiting for him to give up.  
Ignoring the paranoia that always hits him when he has to call someone, Namjoon dials the number and, when the other picks up, he asks him if he’s completely crazy, stoned or if he is a stalker and he’s his next victim.  
Seokjin laughs, while he tucks the wallet in his pocket and takes the keys of his car. “I’m going to be there in forty minutes, Joonie, you should get ready”  
“You are crazy! I don’t even know you, how dare you-“  
Namjoon keeps yelling at nothing because that idiot has hung up without living him the time to say anything else and he’s gonna be there in no time. But Namjoon has no intention of letting him in, no way.  
Forty minutes later, like clockwork, Seokjin is at his apartment and he’s knocking at the door.  
“Hey, I brought the dinner!”  
“Just leave”  
“No way”  
“What have I done wrong to deserve this??”, Namjoon’s impatience is raising second after second, everything that happened in the previous days doesn’t make any sense and he begins to worry about that guy’s mental health.  
“I promise you I’ll leave you alone, I just want to talk for a while”  
“Why?”  
A surprised exclamation leaves Seokjin’s mouth when he sees Namjoon making his appearance behind the door. “I know it sounds crazy but we keep meeting each other and every time I regret not trying to get to know you better. There is _something_ in you, something the others don’t see or understand, and I… I just would give it a try”  
“You’re insane”  
“I could be insane, but I just want to socialize and I’ve been so nice to bring you dinner, so…”  
Namjoon thinks about it, then he walks down the hallway without saying a word and he allows Seokjin to follow him. He smiles lightly when he hears him muttering “finally!” under his breath. He doesn’t know what all of this will bring, it’s really unresponsive from him since he knows nothing about that guy except that he seems to live in his own world. But knowing Seokjin founds him interesting, it makes him feeling strangely good and _alive_ , and he tells himself that after all he can waste some seconds of his miserable existence trying to have some sort of relationship with another human being. He’s aware that he withdrew into himself and this is slowly wearing him down – maybe giving a chance to a stranger that seems to really want to know him, it could be the first step. Maybe they won’t stand each other and they won’t see each other ever again after that night or maybe –that’s what Namjoon is secretly hoping- he will found a friend and his life will regain a bit of color.  
Maybe, he will even stop wasting those damned 86400 seconds.  
   
It’s been two hours and Seokjin is pretty proud of himself: they’re sitting on the couch, eating the food he brought, and Namjoon is talking as he has probably never done in twenty two years. Seokjin doesn’t even know how but he has been able to make Namjoon let his guard down, discovering a tortured soul always fighting with himself. He found out his first impressions were right, because the annoyed and lost look he saw on Namjoon’s face the first time reflects exactly the way he’s living his live. He finds out with regret that Namjoon has no ambitions and keeps going by inertia, without even realizing that the time is passing; the thought of being a complete failure is haunting him.  
Seokjin feels pain in his chest, because he can’t believe a person of that age has already given up – he’d like to shake him up and tell him to find his way, to make experience, to try at least. But then he realizes that not everyone can be the way he is, not everyone has the strength to find the bright side in everything, not everyone is able to have a busy live without falling apart at every moment.  
Namjoon shakes his head, fighting off the umpteenth bad thought. “I’m probably boring you with all this talking, sorry”  
“Not at all”, Seokjin  smiles and squeezes one of his hands – it might be a risky gesture, but he feels like it’s the best thing to do. “May I ask you _when_ all of this started?”  
“I don’t remember anymore”, Namjoon replies, and he seems he’s losing himself in his memories. “I’ve been feeling this way for so long that I just got used to it, you know? It’s not hard, once you lose every incentive it’s almost natural surviving without really leaving. You haven’t ever felt like this, haven’t you?”  
Seokjin shooks his head, it never happened to him; he felt sad, of course, but what Namjoon is telling him is a sensation that he thinks he never felt.  
“It simply sucks. It is like having someone that pulls you back and stops you to move every time you try to get your life back. It’s exhausting, I can’t take it anymore”  
“Did you ever think of-“  
“I didn’t reach that point yet”, Namjoon laughs a little too forcefully, hoping that his explanation will be accepted without too many questions. “Tell me something about you, _hyung_. I liked your stories, you know?”  
“R-really?”  
“Oh, that’s why you left”, Namjoon suddenly realizes, hearing the disbelief and insecurity in his voice. “You didn’t want to know what I thought about them”  
“I’m really critical about myself, okay? And I’m scared of other’s judgment, even if it doesn’t seem so”  
“You don’t have to, _hyung_ – they’re awesome, anyone with a bit of objectivity would say the same thing”  
Seokjin shrugs. “I don’t think I’m that good”  
That’s when Namjoon realizes that Seokjin is a bit like him – they have kind of opposite way of thinking, but they share that feeling of inadequacy, the fear of failing, of disappointing themselves and others, of never being enough. Seokjin faces his insecurities using every single second and trying to not think too much about it, Namjoon has simply accepted it – they seem the antipodes of each other, but they’re souls are somehow similar.  
They keep talking about everything they can think of, without worrying about seeming strange or weird, too much into something or too careless. They expose themselves without fear, because there’s so mentally connected that they feel they can express themselves openly. They talk until they realize it’s late and Seokjin must go or he won’t wake up the next morning to go to work. They greet one another promising to meet again soon, because now that they really _found_ each other they have no intention of letting go.  
When he goes to bed that night, Namjoon thinks that giving Seokjin a chance has been the right choice; for once he feels he hasn’t totally wasted his 86400 seconds. Meanwhile Seokjin is thinking about how nice it was spending part of his 86400 without running here and there, but simply talking with someone that is not expecting anything from him. Both of them go to sleep with a smile on their lips, and it doesn’t matter what tomorrow will bring – today their minds are a bit more light and it feels good.  
   
 
    
    
                                                                                    ~~    

   
Six months since they met for the first time and Namjoon’s life has changed, and so did Seokjin’s – they became friends, founding out that they have more in common than they could have ever imagined.  
Namjoon is feeling more calm, the world scares him a little less since he has Seokjin at his side.  
He feels like he has done huge progress, his panic attacks has decreased and so the dosage of the antidepressant. Seokjin doesn’t know this, anyway, he is oblivious about it. It’s something that Namjono wants to keep for himself for a bit more, because he doesn’t know how he could react and he doesn’t want to scare him. Seokjin tries his best to make him happy and comfortable and Namjoon doesn’t want to make him worry –he’ll tell him about it when it will be the right time, or maybe he will never do it, maybe he will get out of that situation before Seokjin could even realize.  
Namjoon’s days are a bit less dull now, because he accompanies Seokjin to work and he waits for him; he found out he’s not a problem waking so early in the morning and spending all that time on the subway, It’s something that he does gladly, it gives him a sense of routine and normality.  
He also met Seokjin’s friends and, even if he scared him to meet five strangers, he found some very easygoing guys that made him feel wanted and didn’t have any problem to accept him in their group. Everyone has his own personality, pro and cons, his way to do things and to relate with others, but somehow they work. They embraced him as if they knew him since forever, not caring about his fears and weirdness.  
Yoongi will celebrate his 23rd birthday that night and he invited all of them to the flat he shares with Jimin; it will be familiar, nothing too big or exaggerated. Seokjin and Namjoon went to find him a present the day before, and Namjoon is glad they decided to it together, because he had no clue about what give him.  
He is turning the pack over his hands when the bell rings and he opens the door, smiling at Seokjin before closing the door and go outside.  
“Are you ready?”  
“Of course I am, Jinnie”  
They arrive at their house two hours later and they found all of them already together: Hoseok and Jeongguk are dancing following the rhythm and Taehyung has improvised some sort of karaoke (but they are sure he’s just singing random word), while Jimin and Yoongi are sitting on the couch, whispering secrets to each other.  
“ _Hyung_!”, Jeongguk screams, a little high, grabbing Namjoon’s arm and taking him to the centre of the room, while Hoseok does the same with Seokjin.  
“Did they drink’?”, Seokjin asks with a laugh, greeting the birthday boy.  
“What do you think?”, Yoongi replies, shaking his head; he makes room for them on the couch and Jimin founds himself sitting on his lap.  
They watch the other three being silly and they solemnly swear that they won’t get involved, but in the end they give up and they start dancing e singing. After a while they are all completely exhausted and they sit on the floor, Yoongi and Jimin always side by side, Namjoon sitting with crossed legs next to Seokjin, Jeongguk lying down between Taehyung and Hoseok.  
“Jin _hyung_ , when will you finally find a girl?”  
“Never, TaeTae, and you know it”  
Namjoon looks at him with surprise: doesn’t he want to have a relationship? Wasn’t he the one who kept babbling  about having someone who loves him?  
Jimin smirks, noticing his confusion. “Jinnie doesn’t like girls, he prefers other things. Didn’t you know it?”  
“I honestly had no idea”, Namjoon replies, shrugging.  
“Why do we always talk about my inexistent relationship and my sexual preferences?”  
“Oh, Jin _hyung_ is mad. Well, then… Namjoon, how are you with girls?”  
“Same as him”  
“Oh, so you too are-“  
“Yes. I mean, I think so. I just don’t want to have any kind of relationship right now, I don’t care”  
“But you like boys, don’t you?”  
“I usually do”  
“Why don’t you two get together?”  
Seokjin blushes so hard he couldn’t hide it even if he wanted to and buries his face in his hand, while the other are laughing.  
“You would seriously make a cute couple”, the thought is unanimous and the two look at each other wondering how they got in that situation.  
Luckily Jeongguk screams that is time for the gifts and the cake and everyone quickly forgets about it.  
While they are all busy in eating trying to not get dirty because of the chocolate and the whipped cream, Namjoon watches Yoongi and Jimin: they are being affectionate again, without caring about anything.  
They are so beautiful together it hurts, they truly are _soulmates_ – Namjoon thinks that, if he ever falls in love, he would like a relationship like theirs, made of good and bad little things, of sharing and respect and faith in each other. That’s when he realizes that no one will ever love him that much – how could someone being with him? What does he have to offer? Nausea catches him unexpectedly and the room seems to spin around him, his legs are a bit shaky when he gets up and whispers “I need to use the toilet, I’ll be right back”.  
Seokjin watches him until he disappeares in the hallway, he noticed the smile fading away from his face and he _knows_ something happened. He decides to leave him alone, but when the minutes become too many and Namjoon is not coming back, he apologizes and goes checking if everything is okay.  
“Nam?”, he softly knock on the bathroom’s door where the other is hiding. “Are you okay?”  
“L-leave me alone”  
“I just want to help you”, Seokjin mutters, not knowing what to do. “Can I come inside?”  
He doesn’t hear any reply, but with a light push he finds out that the door is not locked, maybe in the hurry of wanting to isolate himself. He finds Namjoon sitting on the floor, his back against the bath tub and his face hiding in his hands, he’s shaking and sobbing.  
Seokjin kneels down beside him and he gently moves his hands aside, wiping his tears; he doesn’t know what to do, because that is clearly a panic attack and he has no clue about how he should behave. “What happened?”  
Namjoon shakes his head, his fists curled up in anger – he was feeling good, they were having fun, why does his body have to betray him like that?  
“I just want to go home”, he mutters, he’s exhausted and he is barely able to speak.  
“I’ll come with you”, Seokjin helps him to get up, giving him a tissue. “Let’s go tell others, okay?”  
Namjoon just nods, he just lets Seokjin guide him in the living room and he avoids eye contact, he’s too embarrassed. Luckily no one says a word about it, they just wish him to recover soon and let them know how he feels.  
They spend their way back to Namjoon’s apartment in silence, Seokjin is too busy wondering what caused that panic attack and Namjoon is too tired to do anything. As soon as they go in, in fact, he goes to his bedroom, while Seokjin puts his coat on the coatrack thinking of what to do. He would like to stay, he thinks Namjoon is too worn out to be alone, but he doesn’t know if it would be any help.  
“ _Hyung_?”  
“Yes?”  
“Stay with me?”  
Seokjin breathes in relief. “Of course I stay, Nam”  
After they changed, they lay on the bed and embarrassment takes over them, until Namjoon pulls him closer begging for a hug, because he doesn’t want to stay alone that night.  
Seokjin can do nothing but please him, lightly stroking his hair and whispering that he won’t left. Namjoon seems so small and scared in his harms, and the oldest can’t even imagine what he is feeling. Seokjin wonders a lot that night, he thinks at how his life has always been made of endless schedules, trying his best to not let his emotions take over, he thinks at how he always tried to be positive no matter what and how he is able to keep that mask of a busy person. Even when he would just rest for a bit and reorganize his thoughts.  
Namjoon has been able to change him a bit, telling him that he can break down if he feels to; but he has too many bad days and Seokjin can’t just get used to it. Despite having to force himself to look like an happy and proactive person and Namjoon convinced him to put that mask down sometimes, he still thinks that life should be lived fully. That’s why he can’t understand why Namjoon’s life seems to slip away without him being able to hold it, to make a sense out of it, a direction.  
He would have _so much_ to offer to the world, if only his demons wouldn’t eat him up. Seokjin would like to help him, he really would, but he knows that Namjoon is the one who has to start that change, he just can hold his hand and comfort him.  
A lonely teardrop streams down his cheek while he closes his eyes and leave a light kiss on Namjoon’s hair, he is asleep now and he seem more peaceful than before.  
“Everything will be fine, Nam, I promise you” he murmurs, before falling asleep too.  
   
 
    
    
                                                                                    ~~    

   
Four weeks has passed since that night, and everything seems to fall apart.  
Namjoon has withdrawn into himself again, apathy taking the best  of him, and the will to live that he hardly conquered faded away.  
He returned to his habits, which involve staring at the ceiling for hours and blame the world for the situation he is in. He knows it’s all his fault, that he is the one to blame, that he should try to recover.  
One thing has change, though: he doesn’t go to the subway stop anymore, because he is too afraid to meet Seokjin and he knows that he would have to talk to him, saying sorry for disappearing, for the way he treated him, and he doesn’t want to at all. He feels terrible for pulling everyone away, but it’s _just_ one of those periods when he doesn’t want to see anyone or take any responsibilities. He knows the moment will come, but he’s not going to do it for now, he prefers pretending he doesn’t exist.  
He thinks about Seokjin sometimes, about how much he hurt him, he know he has this habit of worrying for nothing and he’s probably wondering where the hell  he has gone. Namjoon has ignored all of his texts and phone calls, he pretended to not be at home or being asleep when the other came to his house and begged him to let him in. Namjoon feels bad because Seokjin is probably the best person he ever met and he’s pretty sure he ruined their friendship, but he can do nothing about it. That’s the way he is and if Seokjin is really his friend, he will try to understand him and he will leave him alone for as long as he needs to recover. Namjoon kept repeat this to himself every day, but he knows reality is different.  
What hurts him the most is knowing that Seokjin will never reciprocate his feelings – yes, Namjoon fell in love with him. He thought it was just a crush in the beginning, being attached to a person who save him from the darkness, but then he realized it was more than this. He fell in love when he swore himself to not do it, because Seokjin couldn’t feel the same way about him, because he deserves better and not a depressed twenty two years old guy with no future. He knows he would only hurt him, more than he’s already doing, and he just decided to watch him from afar, careful to behave just as a friend. He’s not even his friend anymore, the person his loves the most is probably hating him and he has nothing anymore.  
He walks to the underground with those thoughts in his mind, he wants to put an end to the mess his life is; he hadn’t tell anyone about it, because he know they would try to stop him and he wants to make his own decisions. His mind slowly empties while he’s getting to the station – he’s losing touch with reality, he feels like everything is moving in slow motion. When he gets to that damn yellow line reading “do not cross”, he almost laughs, because it’s exactly what he’s going to do and no one can stop him.  
He will take a step over that limit, he will take a decision that is irreversible but will finally take him away from that life that he didn’t chose and he don’t know how to deal with.  
He hears the train clanking on the rail and he takes a deep breath, it’s a matter of seconds.  
Twenty seconds and everything will be over, fifteen seconds and he won’t have to worry anymore, ten seconds he will forever leave that world that never understood him. Five seconds and his feet take a few steps ahead, four second and the wagon’s lights are more and more near, three seconds and his body is already past the line, two seconds and someone screams realizing his intentions, one second and a thought to Seokjin.  
And then the bubble bursts and reality washes over him in all his oppression. There’s emptiness around him, he sees faces distorted with fear, someone is covering his own mouth and thanking God for the avoided tragedy. Namjoon blinks, he doesn’t understand – there was no impact, no pain, but he is sure he jumped in front of the train. It’s impossible he made it out of it unharmed, the collision should have been so devastating to kill him instantly, without leaving any chance to survive.  
“Don’t do that again”  
That’s when he hears those barely whispered four words, that someone is holding him in his arms, so much that he can’t almost move. He looks up and the reply dies in his throat, because the one is hugging him is not a random stranger, but Seokjin.  
Seokjin who’s crying without even try to control himself, to scared of what could’ve happened if he didn’t make it in time.  
Seokjin who has felt put aside, ignored, useless, that tried in any way to be part of his life again but that got over it when he understood he wasn’t welcome anymore.  
Seokjin who dyed his hair black and he’s even more beautiful that what he remembered.  
Seokjin that, once again, saved him.  
That’s when Namjoon bursts in tears too, burying his face in the crook of his neck and mutters tons of apologies – he apologizes for ignoring him, for not let him help him, for thinking he could make it all by himself, he apologizes because he’s a mess when it comes to emotions and he always hurts people he cares about.  
“Don’t do that again”, Seokjin says once again, his voice his even though his hands are shaking and he can’t keep them still. “Don’t do that again, Namjoon, do you understand?”  
“ _Hyung_ -“  
He lifts his face, forcing him to watch him. “Promise me”  
“I-I promise you, Jinnie”  
Seokjin closes his eyes and sighs, holding him again. “Let’s go home”  
   
They spend the afternoon talking, all cards on the table, without hiding anything.  
Namjoon finally confess that he uses antidepressant and anti-anxiety meds and how this affects his life – he can’t stop taking them, and having the pills with him helps him to feel a little more confident. He tells him about his past, how his parents always told him to just _get over it_ , how everyone underestimated his problem, expect for the psychologist.  
Seokjin tells him how hard it has been not seeing him anymore, being cancelled from his life all of a sudden, how much he worried about him; he counted every single second hoping in a sign, a word, a text, a phone call that he has never gotten. He found the bright sight in the experience too, though, because he understood that he can’t always be the one to chase after people trying to fix everything – he became more selfish, thinking more about himself, but without abandoning his kindness and his will of helping people.  
Namjoon can’t help but tell him how much he helped him, even unknowingly, how much he made him feeling loved and protected. How his life got more joyful, only thank to him and that stupid collision in the subway. How it broke his heart pushing him away, how he wanted to call him and tell him it was not his fault.  
Seokjin responds that he should have insist more, like that night when he brought him dinner – he feels guilty because he didn’t get _how much_ he was feeling bad and, despite Namjoon’s complains, he firmly believes he should have done more to help him. He wouldn’t have solve his problems, but he could have at least a shoulder to cry on.  
They both feel a bit stupid because if they were less proud and talked as they’re doing now, they would have probably never reached that point. Now they have to make up for lost time and bring back a relationship that has always been strange, unconventional, but that never vanished – proof is that they’re talking like they never lost each other.  
Seokjin frowns, suddenly remembering about something that he never understood. “That time at Yoongi’s birthday, what happened?”  
Namjoon blushes, looking at his hands. “N-nothing, just a panic attack”  
“No more secrets, Nam, remember? Tell me why you weren’t feeling well”  
“Do I have to?”  
“Yes, you have”, he replies, smiling at him.  
“I thought no one would have ever love me as much as Yoongi loves Jimin, that no one would have ever look at me the way Jimin looks at Yoongi, that I have nothing to give in a relationship. And then I thought about Hoseok’s words, the fact that everyone thinks we would make a good couple and-“, he stops, waving his hand vaguely. He can’t tell him, not after all that happened that day, he can’t lose him again.  
“Go on”  
“ _Hyung_ , seriously, it’s better if-“  
“Why are you so stubborn”, Seokjin huffs, giving him a dirty look. “Are you going to tell him or not?”  
“You asked for it”, Namjoon gives up, glaring at everything in the room except at Seokjin. “I thought that _you_ could never love me as much as I love you, because who would be so crazy to fall in love with an idiot that he’s is even scared of going out? With a guy with bizarre blue hair and no desire to live?”  
“I would”  
Namjoon doesn’t have the time to get everything together, to reply, because Seokjin’s lips are on his own and everything disappears. The pain, the guilt, the sickness – it all disappeared like that.  
Fingers are in his hair, messing it, playing with it then bringing it back to his place in an affectionate way, hands are tracing abstracted draws on his back, he’s a bit breathless. Seokjin is smiling while kissing him and everything feels so strange, they were hugging each other at the station just few hours before, and now they’re knowing and discovering each other in a new way.  
Seokjin moves away a little and he almost laughs when he sees Namjoon’s confused face, he’s still beautiful and he feels so stupid for not telling him his feeling before. Namjoon is still glaring at him, wondering why the hell he stopped to kiss him, so Seokjin covers his lips again and lays on the couch, bring the guy with him. They kiss for what it feels like hours and they never have enough, it’s like breathing again after a never ending apnea.  
“I want to be with you”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Never been more sure”  
And Namjoon feels like he’s going to cry, no one ever made him feel so _right_. He finally found his place and he quietly promises himself to not screw everything as usual. He doesn’t say anything, he just kisses him again and he hopes Seokjin will understand that, in that kiss, there’s everything he’s not able to say, every promise he would like to make, each _I love you_ that he’s still too insecure to say out loud.  
It’s been minutes until he is able to speak, and it’s almost a whisper.  
“Jinnie?”  
“Mh?”  
“I can’t thank you enough”  
“For what?”  
“For saving me”

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo, this was my first important Namjin fic and I really care about it, I worked on it a lot and it may be not the best out there, but I'm really attached to it. I hope you enjoyed it, let me know my mistakes if you see any!  
> I didn't write the part in the commas, you can find it on google.  
> I don't know when I'll be able to post my other stories but I'll do it for sure :)
> 
> If you want to text/follow me, I'm also on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/lunaloovegod1?lang=it), [Tumblr](https://de-drums.tumblr.com/) and [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/De_drums) ^^


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